Frenchy’s Fracas

Like every other country in this beautiful world, the Dutch have their own set of snack food delicacies. The snack culture for many years used to be simple: the typical Dutch family would cook and eat their rather bland dinner five days a week. The other two days the Dutch nuclear family got take out food: one day would be Chinese food and the other day they’d get their real snack fetish on, fried potatoes. Let’s have a look at this last event.

These potatoes would be like french fries but twice as thick and four times as greasy. And in avoidance of a one-sided meal, some form of meatstuffs would be added, I’ll try and describe that later on.
Remember the Pulp Fiction movie? The dialogue between the Travolta and Jackson characters about the Dutch and french fries? The Travolta character explains that the Dutch don’t eat their fries with ketchup, they prefer mayonnaise. This is all true, but there’s more to it that just mayonnaise.
The typical Dutch snack counter sells a whole range of toppings for your fries. Mayo, ketchup, satay sauce, the weird sauce the Germans like to put on their sausages (keep it clean..), called Curry and the mixes..
Ordering a Patatje Speciaal or Fries with Special Toppings would get you mayo, ketchup and diced onions. A Patatje Oorlog or Fries At War? That’s mayo, satay sauce, hold the onions.

Sidestep to the satay sauce. The island group of Indonesia used to be a colony of the Dutch and this added something to the culinary experience of the Dutch back then and it still does. It added a sense of taste, because most Dutch food will make the world’s most boring person seem interesting. One of the products the Indonesian cuisine brought to this country was satay sauce. Now go google all the differrent versions of satay sauce recepies and just accept that the Dutch idea of satay sauce was based on peanut butter. That’s why satay sauce is also know here as peanut sauce. And now, imagine some french fries with mayo and thick peanut sauce. Back to the story..

So now we have an idea of what the Dutch put on their fries. What kind of meatstuffs usually accompanies the fries? Hmm.. The Lost-in-Translation effect is gonna hurt this part of this writing, so bear with me.
We got frikandel, kroket, bamihapje, nasihapje, halve kip, bereklaauw, mexicano, the list is endless and endlessy gross. Everything’s deep fried in enough oil to make the OPEC guys a bit nervous. And I used to be a big fan of the stuff.. Heheh..
A frikandel is the ultimate pseudo-proto-sausage consisting of the original Mystery Meat. In this case it’s also a mystery best kept unsolved because you just do not want to know what they’re putting into that thing. The kroket is harder to explain, I’ll check if there’s any.. Yep, found it, have a read here. The bami hapje and the nasi hapje are variants on the kroket, the fillings are different and suggest an oriental flavor, while just as the kroket, the deep frying process takes away any flavor from the product. That’s why people often eat these two snacks with some sambal.

Sidestep to the sambal. The second great food enrichment achievement for the Dutch was sambal, also from Indonesia, a spicy hot sauce made of chili peppers from Hell. The sambal is also used and prepared in Suriname, the second Lost Colony of the Dutch. Back to the meatstuffs..

Can you imagine? One day in the week the nuclear Dutch family wouldn’t cook the bland and boring stuff, they’d go the the snack counter and go get the fries and meatstuffs with all the delicious toppings!! Interesting combo: a Patatje Oorlog with a Frikandel Speciaal and some extra sambal..
Oh, and the snack counter? They sell much more than just the aforementioned gastronomical wonders. They got hamburger-like thingies, with crap quality buns. A typical Dutch delicacy is the Broodje Bal, that’s a round ball of hamburger meat the size of a small country that’s been sucking up oil for hours and served with again those crap quality buns.

If you think I’m too hard on this cuisine, remember, I ate most of this stuff during my teens and my student days. Somehow, I just got fed up with it and switched to many other unhealthy alternatives, because the Dutch snack culture’s expanded to a large range of non-Dutch varieties. But that’s another story..

For a fact: the best fries in Europe are those incredible Belgian fries, ask any Dutch person and you’ll get a very short and irritated confirmation

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So, this theme I’ve been writing about is proving to be a lot of fun. Looking at a place you’ve been living in for more than 25 years and coming up with the right idiosyncracies you want to descibe, can be a bit difficult sometimes. Still have enough topics, but I thought it’d be interesting to turn it around and ask a native Dutchman living abroad about this funny little country.
So I asked my pal FlowerChild for input, he left Holland more than six or seven ten years ago, spent some time in the US and is now enjoying the life London-style. Here’s an edited version of his mail:

• Uhm, the Dutch feeling absolutely much better than any other civilization in the world.. It does have the best cheese tho, and who can say no to a syrup waffle.. [Another] one is of course complaining about something.. or saying no to new ideas.. authority has no value..
• The Dutch and their Caravans, the laughing stock of Europe, in the Summer month our neighbouring countries are anticipating the yellow wave (the Dutch number plate)
  [thx, I really was worried you meant something else - frenchy!]
• David Sedaris has a great piece or writing about Sinterklaas and 6 to 8 Blackmen, I have the CD and will send you that the moment we unpack all the books, might take a month or 2, need to build the bookshelves first.
• The growth hormones in the dairy products and being the tallest nation?
• The great divide in a small country with religion and Carnival.
• Weather forecast with 8 different symbols placed over Holland on the daily news, while in other countries the one and same weather symbol will cover areas much larger than the whole of the Netherlands.
• Dutch Movie is only Dutch when in the first 5 minutes naked people have been shown.
  [yep, always some nudity or softcore pr0n - frenchy!]
• Dutch Beers, small with foam.
• The Dutch driving license is on pink paper, that always gets an interesting frown with foreign police.
• The Dutch are a laughing people, good natured and especially handsome: If it ain’t Dutch, it ain’t Much..
  back to the beginning of my list.. (I just wrote a Boolean)
  [just go google the word, people - frenchy!]

Well, for me that’s a great addition to my list of topics, thanks, FlowerChild!

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First time on ice skates, hmm.. my first winter, the one of 79/80, in the little crummy village where we lived. No, hold on, that’s the first time I stood on ice, totally different experience, really.
I only read about the ice phenomenon when I was still in Curaçao but it really intrigued me. Of course, I had seen real ice, but only in movies that scary scene in one of the “The Omen” movies come to mind, scary stuff. Can you imagine a kid in the Caribbean reading in a school book about some Dutch kid skating on ice? That’s the Dutch education system for its colonies, back then.

But my first steps on the stuff were as expected a bit tense and cautious and after a coupla falls I really liked the ice. Then came the real first time on skates and that was quite a bit less enjoyable. We went to skate in the open as part of this school trip, I didn’t have any skates of my own so I borrowed a pair from a class mate. What nobody told me was that there are two types of skates: the well-known ice hockey skates and the long distance skates called “Noren” or Norsemen, classic Lost In Translation Stuff.

So, the whole group was putting on their skates and sped off leaving me on my own with my incredibly uncomfortable Noren. Let me describe the scene: a large piece of land divided by straight little lines of water about 3 to 4 meters wide, going on for quite some kilometers. Every other eight hundred meters or so you get a small bridge thingie that you have to step over/across/along to get back on the ice.
Oh, and did I mention that it was frigging cold?

Well, my challenge was to skate. Just that. Stand on those damn things and skate after my class mates, who were rapidly disappearing out of sight. It didn’t work for me, I just kept falling on my ass, my butt and other crucial body parts. So after finally reaching the second bridge, I gave up and wanted to return to the starting point. Didn’t have my shoes with me, so I had to endure another session of self-mutilation by skating back (or rather struggling to do so) . The last part of the distance, I just put on my skate protectors (yes, these are included) and walked along the ice thinking that a black kid from the tropics shouldn’t be on ice at all. Well at least not this kid. And the walking on ice skates, it’s called klunen.
You can imagine that after that experience I had this great reluctance about ice skating.

The Dutch are totally wild about this sport/hobby. The true Masters of Long Distance Skating are the people from the northern Friesland province, where there’s this Ultimate Endurance Race called the Elfstedentocht or The Tour of The Eleven Cities. When I first arrived in Holland in ‘79 it was a very long time ago that the race had been held, always dependent on the perfect weather conditions to let so many people skate such a physically challenging race. The last time was somewhere early in the sixties and since then, every winter people ‘d be full of tension and excitement: will there be a race this year?

In 1985 their prayers were answered, there was enough ice of the right thickness and the right weather to hold the race. This event is one of the moments where the Dutch let their hair down and party like it’s the end of the world, even those from the more level-headed and socially inflexible northern provinces. Every city along the route is filled with people cheering on the competitors and enjoying hot drinks, food and alcohol in the freezing cold. It’s not carnival in Rio, because our Brazilian brothers aren’t that stupid, I guess.. The gods were very kind for the Dutch because the next winter we had another Elfstedentocht! And that year was the year I decided to try the ice skating thing again.

This time it was on ice hockey skates, playing hockey with very experienced bastards who enjoyed tripping me up or body-checking me off the ice. That really helped me with my skating prowess so I have to be grateful for those brutal moments. After that year I did get out on the ice a coupla times, but it’s been quite a long time and I really don’t remember if I still have the skates.

You wanna learn the Dutch? Start talking about ice skating (not ice hockey, that’s too painful) or if you get the chance go to the Elfstedentocht. Bring along your own booze and you’ll have friends for life..
And a coupla years back I was in Curaçao for Christmas and to my surprise they had a temporary ice rink for the holidays. The rink was in a closed-off tent with a gazillion generators to keep the ice stable while outside it was just steamingly hot. Silly rabbits..

References:
Ice Skate
Elfstedentocht
Another Elfstedentocht site

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So now we get to one of the most typical Dutch pastimes: the bicycle. This country and its culture view this transportation vehicle as something more than just the two-wheeled mechanism that it truly is. For the Dutch it’s their way to get around to get the groceries, to pick up their kids from school, to deliver the coal for heating (I’m flash backing, I know), to get to church (some Protestant variants not only forbid the use of the car to get to church, but also the bicycle), and much more.

In the larger cities you don’t need to go to a shop to buy yourself a new or used bike, you just walk around the neighbourhood and ask a junkie to get you one for a very competitive price. Sometimes you’ll even be able to buy a bike that strangely resembles the one that had been stolen from you just a coupla weeks ago. In my first ten years in Rotterdam, I was on the receiving end of the bicycle theft culture for about six or seven times. Ah, good days..

Another interesting thing about the bicycle, for the Dutch it’s also a way of exploring their own country: the road system in Holland has its own bicycle roads for you to get from the high north of Groningen to Vlissingen in the southern province of Zeeland. This road system is also evident when riding in any city, village or in-bred hovel: the more busy roads have a separate and protected bicycle road next to them.

Bicycle riders rule as King, because almost always the car driver is expected to yield to the two-wheeled driver. And this leads to funny social situations where in the city, bike riders cut off cars in heavy traffic knowing that no car driver wants to get in that kind of trouble. The same car driver will curse the bike rider, but know that the same driver will be doing the same thing when riding a bike him/herself.

A special category are the parents, the bikes are fitted with special seats for the under-six kiddies and it’s a common thing to see a parent on a bike with one child on the back and one on the front. These people expect all other traffic to treat them with holy reverence and special care while they’re the ones endangering their children’s lives.

The bicycle is part of this country’s subconscious, their sense of freedom and individuality, think of it as ‘Easy Rider’ but then situated in Holland and without the drugs and booze. Well, mostly without the D&B because it’s one of the most common things to hop on a bike after a evening of very serious drinking. And many a police officer will tell you about the amount of verbal abuse they endure when pulling a drunk offender from his bike.

But things are changing a bit; the country that values its bicycle tradition has suddenly adopted a strange custom: the wearing of bicycle helmets. I now see parents riding alongside their helmeted kids as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. And it gets even scarier, adults themselves are donning these helmets! If you’re riding the Tour de frigging France or mountain-biking off some rough mountain terrain, I get the need to use such a thing, but why should you wear the damn thing when going to church, getting the groceries, etc?
Protecting your kids is a good thing, but you didn’t mind letting them ride on busy city streets before, so why change the approach? The helmet makes it safer, yes, if they fall off the bike and hit their heads, but do tell me this: how the hell is it gonna protect your darling child from an SUV with a kangaroo-killing bull-bar?

I’m guessing people do like to exchange their sense of indepence for a sense of safety and protection, I just don’t know if it’s a Dutch thing or not..

References:
Wikipedia: Cycling In The Netherlands

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I started learning to speak Dutch at the age of four, when I was still at Curaçao. That, an being on a school there where Dutch was the de facto standard during lessons helped me master quite a bit of the lingo. But I wasn’t prepared for the most important part of learning a language: the curse words. And boy, was I surprised..

Two months in the Netherlands and a friend of mine’s using some weird words to express his discontent about something I can’t remember. My keen senses immediately told me that those words could be slightly not done to be used in the presence of adults, but hey, what do my senses know? Coupla days later I get a reprimand in class for something and I uttered some of those Forbidden Words: tiefuszooi (do forgive my lack of phonetics).
The teacher blew her lid and angrily asked me if I even knew what I was saying and during her educational slap on the wrist that lasted waaay too long for me to be slightly paying attention, my only thought was: Hold on, I’m on to something! Hmm.. Better look as if I regret what I said or else she’ll never stop yapping..

What I learned after that event is that the swear word I used, was derived from tiefus - or typhoid in English. After a coupla months/years I found out that a large part of Dutch swear words consist of the use of an incredible range of diseases:
tering - tuberculosis
klere - cholera
pokke - smallpox
kanker - the Big C
pest - the plague
pleuris - pleurisy

Using the Big C as a swear word can sometimes be regarded as too harsh with certain people, especially if they had some very bad memories concerning loved ones. You even know immediately if someone’s from the city of The Hague, because the use of kanker is an integral part of their vernacular (no, I’m not saying that all people from The Hague use it, back off..).

Now, I wasn’t used to that form of creativity and while it was kinda amusing, through the years I realized that I’ve never encountered another language that uses diseases as swear words: English, Spanish, French, German, Italian - all Western languages, I know, but none of them really apply this typical flavor to their foul language. Last month I was chatting with a friend of mine (hiya, Tama!) and we were discussing this subject; I concluded that this use of language could be based on the literal, almost biblical use of swear words - cursing, the Old Testament style.
I remembered this also being used in English, so I Googled on A pox on you!, which was interesting, but still I think that the Dutch are truly the Masters of Disease-ridden Swear Words.

I’ve often wondered how long it would take for HIV/AIDS to be added to the list, but while people don’t have any problems using diseases that have killed millions in the past (and, to this day some are very actively adding to the body count), it still seems not done to use current pandemic illnesses. Kinda weird, to be PC about one thing and not about another, dontchathink?
Oh, and in case you’re wondering: yes, I’ve used all of those words and still do from time to time.. Hypocritical? Yes, but not as much as yo’ mama

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